The Holidays

Imagine it's Thanksgiving. Christmas is right around the corner. You have 3 kids, two girls and a boy. The girls are ages 15 and 6. The boy is 12. You have been married for 5 years to their father, but with him for 16 years. You got pregnant with your 15 year old when you were 16, had her when you were 17 and then got married shortly after. Because the responsibility of raising a daughter and being a wife was too stressful, you dropped out of school. Other than some odds and ends and some temp work, you have little work history on top of no GED. Any time you've ever tried to get your GED and/or work, he sabotaged it. He wouldn't watch the kids, was too drunk to watch the kids, he had a crisis and you had to drop everything to tend to his needs. And there was the time he got drunk and broke your nose and gave you a black eye. So you were too ashamed to go to GED classes or work. Plus, he told you that you weren't the sharpest knife in the drawer on several occasions and you were assured you didn't need to work because he brought home the bread.  

Now, you're 33. What's the point of trying to work or get your GED. Something always happens and you can't do it anyway, even if you were smart enough. You realize your marriage at this point is loveless. You often sleep on the couch. The only time you don't is when you're pestered by him to have sex. If you don't have sex with him, it's a fight and you're just so tired of fighting. You lay awake most nights thinking about how hopeless things are and how you should have never married him but again, he guilted you into it. "If you loved me, you'd marry me," he would say. Plus, you hoped things would get better. After a huge fight, things were better. You would do things as a family. He wouldn't drink much. He would clean the house, make dinner. It wasn't always bad. But things didn't get better. Those periods of relative calm slowly got smaller and smaller. Now, you are walking on egg shells constantly. You've tried to be overly nurturing, avoid him and even just pick a fight with him to get it over with, but each approach has its consequences. Now you just go numb.

You can't leave because you have nowhere to go. Your only friend is your neighbor. You can't go there. You haven't talked to your family in 4 years because they wanted you to leave but didn't have financial means to help you. They didn't want you living with them because they know how your husband could be and didn't want that drama at their home. You have no money. He controls the money. You can't get a job in this economy with no GED or work history. No job, no place to live. Your car is in his name and he has threatened to take the car from you the few times leaving has been a topic of discussion. Your stuck.

Your kids have suffered. Your 15 year old daughter acts just like your husband and has started treating you badly. She's having problems in school and is dating a guy who's 21 and you're not sure about. Your 12 year old son is mamma's boy and very quiet. He often gets picked on at school. Your six-year old daughter is a sweetheart but has started asking questions about why daddy is so mean and tells you she doesn't like daddy.

And now the holidays are approaching. You are expected to cook a feast for the family on Thanksgiving. Even though its stressful and you have little help, you have looked forward to the holidays because this is the time of year when your husband actually is the man you fell in love with. However, you've begun to realize its more of an act for his mom and step dad, who are great people. He doesn't want them to know what a controlling jerk he is.

Two days before Thanksgiving, you and your husband get into another argument about your 15 year old and it ended with your neighbor calling the police after hearing screaming and a loud thud. He wasn't arrested  because he knew what to say to the police and there were no marks from him slamming you up against a wall. You were too afraid to say anything because he threatened to kill you if you did.

The next day, your neighbor then tells you about a domestic violence shelter. You know you want out, but it's the holidays. You don't want to put your kids through that. You don't know what to expect. You have seen homeless shelters on TV and it terrifies you to think you and your kids would have to spend the holidays with strangers sleeping on cots. You know your husband won't buy any Christmas gifts for the kids. His family will look down upon you and you don't want to do that because they're the only family you have. How would you feed your kids, get them to school and take care of what you need to without a car? You would have to leave everything.

So if this were your situation, what would you do? If things were reversed and you're a male, how would you handle the situation?

What Would You Do: Abusive Boyfriend

In a recent episode of Primetime: What Would You Do?, the producers hired a teen boy and girl and had them pose as a couple arguing in a park to see how many people intervened. Several did, but many walked by. It may be a surprise that women intervened more than men and were not going to allow the teen boy to treat the girl like he was.

So what would you do? Would you intervene? If it was a female abusing a male, would you intervene in the same way or not? What could be the consequences of intervening, for yourself and the victim?

Why's it always gotta be a black and white thing?

No....I'm not talking so much about the color of your skin. What I'm talking about is politics. Right now, Republicans and Democrats are engaged in this battle where both sides seem to feel like they're right, the other side is wrong and there will be no middle ground met. The rules of engagement are that it's black versus white, no gray in the middle and you must win at all cost. What happens is our civil servants are locked in gridlock and they resort to childish, mean and even abusive tactics to push they're agenda.

What does this has to do with abuse and violence towards another person? Everything. It's like the grown ups are fighting in front of their kids. So what do the kids learn? They learn its okay to behave like a bafoon and win at all costs. They learn that it doesn't matter what their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, ex has to say because 'I'm right. You're wrong. I don't care about you and you're a complete idiot.'

You can agree or disagree with President Obama....wait. You can like him or hate him and his political views, but he's trying real hard not to engage in muddslinging, be accountable and listen to both sides. But in this political climate, that's not effective and he will likely be replaced in two years.

I would rather see both sides work together to resolve issues and not play the blame game. I'd like to see the rest of us do more of that. If you want to change your abusive ways, you have to view conflict as something where both sides can learn something from the other and that, here's a novel idea, you don't know everything and you're not always right. You also have to not view every conflict as combat. If we did a little more listening and saw the similarities in others rather than our differences, maybe resolution and progress would be achievable.

For now, let's boil everything down to a WWE Smack Down where victory is only gaged by winning and our own dominance over another. Let's see how much hate we can spread and war we can wage.

Tina Croucher




At Copley High School on November 4, Elsa and Jim Croucher spoke to a crowd of about 100 teachers, victim advocates and high school students about their daughter Tina Croucher and how she was murdered by her boyfriend in 1992. Tina was only 18.

Seventeen years later, her parents, behind The Tina Project, were able to get House Bill 19 or the Tina Croucher Act passed in the state of Ohio. It requires education be provided in all schools about dating violence.

On that Thursday afternoon, Elsa and Jim talked about a daughter who was determined, smart and resourceful. Tina was around 18 months old and no matter what her parents did, they could not keep Tina in a crib. Elsa said that when Tina was a teen, if she wanted a new outfit, she would sell clothing she could do without to fund her new outfit. Elsa and Jim both regarded Tina as a strong-minded girl.

Things changed though when she met a handsome boy that went to another school and started dating him. This strong-minded girl found herself being told who and when she could see people and being physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. After a violent episode at school where he threw Tina across the hall, Tina broke up with him. Elsa and Jim were adamant about Tina not seeing him and told Tina he was not to come to their home. Tina had a protection order and Jim and Elsa took measures to help their daughter stay safe, but that didn't stop him. Elsa said she would meet Tina after work so she wasn't alone. One night, Tina was closing at work and had to make a deposit. Elsa waited for her while Tina did this. When Tina seemed to be gone too long, Elsa's gut told her she should check things out. When she arrived, Tina's ex-boyfriend was laying on top of Tina's car.

Tina stayed away from him through high school....until he showed up at a gas station where Tina was pumping gas and told Tina how he had changed, was in counseling. Tina was in college and took him back. But this didn't last for long and she broke up with him again. He started stalking her again.



Terri Heckman, Exectuive Director of the Battered Women's
Shelter with Elsa and Jim Croucher, parent's of Tina Croucher



Then four days before Christmas, Elsa was at work and started calling home to check on Tina. The phone was busy after several attempts. So Elsa called her neighbor and asked her to check on Tina. Elsa didn't hear back from the neighbor. Elsa had a bad feeling and left work. When she pulled onto their street, police, ambulances and TV channel staff were in front of her house and they were rolling out a dead body. Tina's ex-boyfriend had come into the house, shot Tina in the head and then killed himself.

I'm sure Tina, in her worse nightmare, never thought when she met this handsome football player, things would end up this way. No woman, or man for that matter does.

With four students from Mentor High School killing themselves because they couldn't stand the taunting from bullies, now people are talking about something that really, has been going on since the beginning of time. Now, it's more prevalent on the playground. But bullying is not a new phenomenon. Bullying is a means to have power and control and the desire to have power and control is why countries declare war on other countries. It's human nature.

I had braces, a perm and was anorexic skinny (not because I was anorexic) and was a target of bullies during sixth and seventh grade on the bus. It sucked! Thankfully, I was pretty good at handling it and it subsided pretty quickly. But while I was in that moment in time, it felt like there was no way out. On the bus, there was no way out. I hated going to school and missed 21 days of school in sixth grade. I wish someone would have intervened and told these kids how hateful they were. But it didn't happen then and it rarely happens now.

One of my co-workers went to Mentor High School and she said that anyone who spoke out against this behavior would then be a target of bullies. She said she was one of those people. "It was bad," she said.

Ohio House Bill 276 mandates that school personnel report bullying to the school principal. Since 2007 when this law was enacted, only 4 incidents have been reported in the State of Ohio, according to Jim Croucher with the Tina Project. Croucher said we have a long way to go. I concur.

So what do you all think about bullying? What should schools do? What should parents do? Why do bullies bully? How should targets of bullies handle the destructive and degrading taunting?

It's not heavy....if its about love

I know this is a heavy topic: domestic and dating violence, abuse, child abuse. I also realize that you can find yourself in some bad head space if you're thinking or talking about it all the time. But it is something that touches us all at some point in time. If you haven't experienced abuse yourself, there's no doubt you have come across a family member, friend, co-worker, class mate, etc. who has experienced some form of abuse. And it doesn't have to be physical. If you get punched in the face, it will hurt for awhile but a year later after you've healed, you'll forget what that sensation felt like. Emotional pain sometimes never goes away. Oddly enough, a person who caused me a lot of emotional pain said to me that those who hurt, hurt others. I know now how true that is.

My point is that the discussion doesn't need to be so much about physical violence. That is the face of domestic, dating violence and abuse. But the heart and soul of interpersonal violence lies in the emotional baggage people carry, the open wounds in their hearts and souls. It's a necessary fertilizer to grow hatred and disregard for other people.

What I hope to do is get the discussion going about abuse, force people to look inside themselves and stop playing lip service to treating others with respect and love and actually do it. I would like to see people promote emotional intelligence and spread some love rather than emotionally bitch slap people.

My experience with abuse

I asked from any readers feedback about their experience with domestic violence or dating violence. But maybe its time to share mine.

My dad was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother. I never saw him put his hands on my mother, but as an adult, my mother has eluded to him physically hurting her. I always thought if he just wouldn't drink, he might be an okay dad. When he was sober, he wasn't too bad. He taught me how to pitch, shoot a basketball, throw a tight spiral and compete with any neighborhood boy. But when he was drunk, he was emotionally tormented and took it out on me and my family. I always wished my parents would divorce.

My mom stayed married to him for 21 years until when I was 17, she divorced him. What was the beginning of the end was a few months prior to her separating from him, my mother told him she wanted to leave him. The next day was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." My sister and I went with my mom. The entire morning, my dad called her over and over again. By about 10 am, we had to leave. When we got home, my dad was a mess. He threatened to kill himself. I took all his Busch Beer and poured it out.

My mom was pretty good about shielding my sister and I from him. She made us go over to my grandparents who lived next door while she dealt with him. I feared what was happening to him. Then, I just went numb. In fact, going numb and disconnecting emotionally has been a hard habit to break for me. Luckily, I have always landed on my feet whenever I've stumbled in live. Love, support and counseling has helped.

My sister though has not faired so well. She started using drugs around 14 and hasn't really stopped since. She's been in and out of the corrections system and drug rehab programs. Her relationships with both of my parents are tense. Her relationships in general are also marked with abuse. I can't help but think the domestic violence is partly responsible for her struggles with drugs and life.

The point is, abuse effects kids. Some people end up turning to drugs. I was an honor's role student and over achiever in school, but it still effected me in my relationships. I then found myself living with someone who was controlling and tore me down on a daily basis because I said something the wrong way, didn't put my shoes away or misplaced the remote control.

Why does Kourtney Kardashian stay with Scott Disick?

Does anyone else think that Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, is totally unworthy of Kourtney? She is probably the smartest, business savvy Kardashian yet she stays with a man who acts like a 12-year old spoiled brat. I don't watch Keeping Up With The Kardashian's much, but when I do, Scott reminds me of that sterotypical antagonist from an 80s movie: the rich, white boy with slicked back hair, preppy clothes, a sense of entitlement and nice cars. Kourtney is like the Molly Ringwald character or something.

On an episode of Kourtney and Khloe take Miami, Scott wigged out on Kourtney and injured his hand punching a mirror. Of course afterwards, Scott took little responsibility. I believe it was Kim who told Kourtney that Kourtney thinks the family doesn't want her to be with Scott because they don't like him but its because of the way he treats Kourtney. Yet, Kourtney's separation from him was temporary.

Some may say "how can such a beautiful, wealthy, intelligent woman be with such a deuche bag?" But not I. Kourtney is no different than other women. Most women go back to their abusers on average 6 to 7 times. Why? There are many reasons: fear, have no where to go, kids and love. Even Kourtney Kardashian wants the picket fence, family, handsome and successful husband (although I think he looks like a car salesman and that he totally rides Kourtney's coat tails) and the fantastical American Dream. No one sets out to begin a relationship without this goal in mind. And now, Kourtney has a son with Scott and like most mother's, they pave the road to hell with their good intentions to ensure their child(ren) has a father, even if that father teaches their child how to be abusive, hangs kids over mom's head to control her and does all kinds of unforseeable emotional damage to their children.

According to OK! though, Scott has "made changes." Kim recanted and even went as far as saying that she's seen Scott make a "transition." Hey, I won't argue that he has "made changes." But I'm willing to bet my music library, which is my most valuable possession, that this "transition" is really just the honeymoon phase and in future episodes, we will all see that's Scott's changes were not permanent. Kourtney and the family have put up with this much, why wouldn't they put up with more? After all, Scott was drunk.

I guess Kourtney staying can be discounted to the fact that she doesn't seem afraid of him. She has money and can leave when Scott acts like a baffoon, unlike many women who are in unhealthy, abusive and/or violent relationships. They're stuck. Kourtney has money to hire counselors. She also has a TV audience as a watchdog on Scott's behavior. If he truly has made a transition, I'm sure it helps when millions of viewers have unfavorable things to say about your behavior. Other women and men in abusive relationships don't have that luxury.

Scott is now dangling a new American Dream: New York. On last night's episode of Keeping up with the Kardashian's, Scott was selling Kourtney on the idea of moving to New York during a 4th of July vacation to NYC. The Disik/Kardashian brood visited with Scott's parents in the Hamptons and Kourtney saw how happy he was there. He was even actually a pretty relaxed fellow and being such a great dad holding up little Mason in the air and showing him love. I hope someone from Kodak was watching and captured this very special moment. Anyway, Scott envisions Kourtney running Dash, her store, and Scott will work in New Jersey. They will then come home to their picket fence and live happily ever after. Kourtney is smitten and eludes that moving to NY may be better for them as a family. Scott said something to the affect that the best birthday gift Kourtney could give him is them going to New York and being away from her family.
Kudos to Scott for painting such a beautiful picture, one of "we'll run away together and all we need is eachother, baby!" In the real world though, that is a great way to isolate someone from their family, their support system.  Sure, Kourtney or her family can get on a jet at anytime and travel across country, but it's still not the same as being in the same town. And Scott's drunken episode was in Miami, right? Plus, Scott has known all along there were cameras following his every move... yet he still acted like he could behave however he wanted.... but he's changed? Hmmm?

But, surely, a Kardashian, the epitomy of femme power and American success, isn't a victim of abuse.....she's just chasing that American Nightmare.

Your experience with domestic violence....

Have you seen this or experienced it yourself

Have you ever felt like you were walking on eggshells; that nothing you did was right or fear your partner in any way?

It's about time to hear from you. What's your experience with domestic violence? Did you witness it as a kid, were abused yourself as a child or in adult relationships?

If you haven't, what about a friend or family member? What was it like knowing this was happening to a loved one? How did you handle it.

Let's get the discussion going.

The face of battering

I think Bill Murray is friggin hilarious. I love his dead pan humor. Caddyshack, SNL, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Rushmore, Lost in Translation....classics.

But did you know that his now ex-wife, Jennifer Murray, alleged that he abused her. In 2008, according to the Post and Courier, out of Charleston, S.C, he was doing all kinds of nasty things to his wife, like physically abusing her, cheating on her and threatening to kill her. However, it made little a wave in the media. In fact, I didn't hear about it until a year ago.

Unlike something public like Chris Brown pounding Rihanna's face and the subsequent photos that were released after the incident, there is really no proof other than police reports. The prosecutor did not file charges. Other than paying for it in a divorce, Murray wasn't held accountable in the court of law and likely did not accept personal accountability either.

But domestic violence isn't black and white. Batterers come in all forms, even celebrities. They are rich, poor, male, female, handsome, pretty, even funny. Even I, who know the signs of an abuser well, can't usually pick a batterer out of crowd....and believe me. I try.

Recently, on an episode of Dr. Phil, his topic was teen girls having sex with multiple over-age men they met on-line. In a quasi-therapy session on-stage, Dr. Phil looked one girl in the eye and said something like, "These men don't love you. This isn't love. These men are sick."

In some respects, Dr. Phil is right. It wasn't love and anyone who chooses to have sex with a 12 year-old girl clearly has some issues. But sick? Did anyone ever think Bill Murray or Chris Brown was sick? Do people think they are sick now?

This is a dangerous notion, to think that batterers and pedophiles are visibly sick. Many are emotionally deficient and have sociopath tendencies, concerned about what image they have in public. But if they were "sick," they probably wouldn't have much self-control in public. They could be a co-worker, furnace repair man, teacher, the person ringing up your groceries, the pizza delivery person or even funny-man Bill Murray. You could know someone for years and never realize what dark secret they may be hiding in their home life. Thinking batterers and pedophiles are sick helps us sleep better at night but it doesn't necessarily make anyone safe.

Police Ride Along: Part Three

After the high-speed going-in-circles, we were called to assist with a possible drug bust on N. Portage Path. The K-9 unit was involved. How exiting! I text one of my law & order obsessed friends that I was on a drug bust. But, trying to gain my equilibrium, I remained in the car and observed. Three boys, probably about 17, 18 were searched. Nothing was found on the first two and then they stood and watched their buddy get busted with drug paraphernalia. The boys were laughing as their buddy was cuffed and duck into a cruiser. The buddy was wearing a t-shirt with a huge pot leaf on it.

Hmmm....I wonder what gave his guilt away?

Then we went to a man's house who wanted to report a stolen bike. Officer Ed said "Are you gonna get out of the car?" I was feeling better so I did.
As we approached the house on Merriman, a turn of the century Victorian, Officer Ed surveyed the bushes and area around the house. He explained it's always good to be aware of your surroundings. I concurred and said that's something I do all the time. He then surmised that women probably are more aware of their surroundings than men because woman are not as physically strong as men and our motherly instinct to protect children. I agreed. I'm like the Terminator gathering information about the environment and processing it when I walk alone anywhere in town.
After that we made a couple of insignificant stops. Officer Ed told me about the scariest moment he ever had, where he was investigating a possible car theft in progress on Exchange St. He was creeping past a non-lit porch and hears "Stop mother fucker or I'm going to shoot!" So Officer Ed quickly took cover behind a tree and aimed his gun at a silhouette on the porch. He said he was ready to shoot and if you aren't prepared to fire your gun, being a police officer is not the job for you. As it turned out, the silhouette was a visually impaired Vietnam vet tired of robberies in the neighborhood who was armed with a bee bee gun. Thank god no one fired a shot.

Officer Ed said he has never fired his gun and 99 percent of the time, police don't use the force they are legally given to them and they risk their lives day in and day out. He said then, as he had said earlier, that he is an officer of peace. I liked hearing that. Violence is violence, no matter who is legally given the power to use it.

Then, finally....a DV call off of Copley Road, mother/daughter argument. We arrived and parked on side street adjacent from the house. Officer Ed said it was because you never know if someone's up on a second floor window with a gun aimed at you. Another officer was already there and had parked a couple houses down. We approached the house and a woman stepped out. Officer Ed asked her what was going on. She said "she left," meaning the daughter. The woman said she and the daughter's mother were getting ready to leave and the daughter started popping off at the mouth, being disrespectful. When mom called the police, the daughter took off and wasn't there.

And that was about it. We got back in the cruiser. In my line of work, this is common. A punch is thrown or beating is handed down and "abuser," i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter take off when the police are called by the victim. If someone else calls, neighbor, family or friend, they don't always know the police have been called and are there when the police arrive.

Then we approached the day's climax: a call came in from a detective needing back up to deal with four suspicious gang bangers near Manchester and Thornton, one of the worst corners in Akron. Officer Ed said there's a lot of "drug slinging" there.

When we arrived, Officer Ed began to turn into a side street but then said "shit, he's getting away." He stopped and threw it into reverse. I didn't see who was getting away. Instantaneously, a man driving a Chevy Malibu was driving right at us as we backed up and driving fast. I felt my blood pressure pound. I didn't know who this guy was coming straight at us. We backed up to our right. The Malibu whipped to our left. Officer Ed then parked and jumped out of his cruiser to meet now only three boys, again probably anywhere from 15-20, wearing gang black. Another officer was there too.

They searched all the boys and found nothing. I sat in the cruiser with the windows barely cracked. My instincts told me that armed thugs were in the facility and I wasn't about to get shot on a police ride-along.

Then the man driving the Malibu, dressed in a slick suit, approached the boys. He looked like a preacher and then preached to the boys like a preacher. I thought what a great thing for this man to be helping the police and be talking some sense into these boys. Since nothing was found and they seemed to know nothing about their fourth buddy running, the police opted not to go on a foot chase after a kid that new the area much better than they did. They let the boys go.

When Officer Ed got back into the car, I asked him who that man was. He said it was the detective. I laughed and told him that he scared the shit out of me when he came driving straight at us. Officer Ed chuckled and said he should've told me that.

After this stop, it was starting to get dark and I had enough. Officer Ed dropped me off at the High Street parking deck.

To say I had a new respect for what police officers do is an understatement. Sometimes, us who work in the field of domestic violence tend to view police as our antagonist. Why didn't they make an arrest? How did they let that abuser go? Well, it's because they don't get the whole story. All they usually get is the very tippy- top of the iceberg poking out of the water and its hard to seek justice when the rawness of the moment leaves and reality filters what happened.  I actually felt as though my job working with domestic violence victims and keeping them safe is much like one of a police officer. I respond to crisis and I too am an officer of peace.

What stuck out the most was a majority of the calls we responded to involved kids, kids of all ages, and they were the suspects. I don't know what kind of environment these kids grew up in but I know that somewhere, they learned fighting, laughing at getting arrested for drug paraphernalia, popping off at the mouth and sporting gang colors were ways to act. I wonder where?    

Police Ride Along: Part Two

This is where things got interesting.

Officer Ed and I finished our conversation about DV talking about how it affects kids. I pointed out that the reason I do the work I do is because of kids. They see violence occuring in the home and that's what they learn. They are future criminals in the making and it creates more work for him. They have little empathy and don't care what they do to others. I also informed him that one characteristic of an abusive relationship is the abuser will intentionally get the woman pregnant to keep her in her place. So, there are many children exposed to violence. He said he didn't know that. He then said that kids need to have consequences and parents should not be a kid's friend. I agreed with him. That's about the time he saw on his constantly updated crime computer mounted in my elbow space that assistance was needed with an elderly man at Sand Run Park . The man thought snakes were in his truck. That Dodge Ram truck, by the way, was pimped out with purple, lime green and pink paint and decals. Officer Ed was impressed. After examining the man, the paramedics convinced him to go to the Psychiatric Emergency Services unit, better known as PES. The man left with no incident. No snakes on truck.

By that time, I was feeling sick due to a pinched nerve in my neck. Cocking my head to my left, trying to make eye contact with Officer Ed as he and I rapped about DV aggravated the nerve and made me nauseous. But, with great power comes great responsibility is what I told myself and I kept it moving....which was to Starbucks. Officer Ed said he was "dying" because he had worked a side job earlier that morning and needed caffeine.

A hundred feet away from the Starbucks parking lot on Sand Run Drive, Officer Ed chimed in about a fight between two females that broke out at the Dairy Mart on Market and Merrimen. Three males were there also. He flipped the siren switch on, blew past Starbucks and sailed east bound on Market. It was a rush to be on the other side of the siren and cruise past traffic on pause. Officer Ed said fights are typical after school, especially when its early in the school year. Fights are always breaking out and these girls are probably fighting over a guy. When we arrived, there was no sign of any fight between two girls. While Officer Ed went inside to make sure all was well and I tried to stabilize my neck in the cruiser, another cruiser and paddy wagon arrived. Simutaneously, another call requesting back up for a fight on S. Hawkins  sounded on the car radio. Officer Ed was back in the cruiser within seconds and said with urgency we needed to head to S. Hawkins. This time, we followed the other cruiser and paddy wagon, with the French siren sound because, as Officer Ed explained, its good to differentiate the siren sound so someone doesn't think the cavalry is over, pull out and get T-boned. We also drove much faster because Officer Ed said the officer who requested back up had a certain inflection in his voice that indicated he needed help. I thought I was going to ralph going about 60 mph on a brick road.

However, when we got to the S. Hawkins round-about, the fight was broken up. Trying not to vomit, I remained in the car as Officer Ed talked to the responding officer and two other officers about what happened. Four sixth graders were beating up on a lone sixth grader. The responding officer seemed dismayed over what the 4 boys were doing to this other boy. I saw him show the other officers that the boys only came up to his chest. No arrests were made and the kids were gone.

It made me wonder what consequences these kids suffered, if any, once they got home. I wondered how they learned that bullying another boy was acceptable. I wondered when did middle school bullies start taking their power trips off the playground in exchange for a public beating at a very busy intersection?

The Police Ride Along: Part One

This past Thursday was a beautiful day and I got to enjoy it sitting in the front seat of an APD cruiser during a civilian ride along. A lot happened in those 6 1/2 hours and I've had to wrap my brain around a lot of information.

Part One of Three.

12pm, Roll call: Officer Sylvia listed all the criminal activity currently going on in the city: burglaries, stolen GPS, gang bangers on the loose. But what caught my attention was the 21-year old white female with a gun shot wound to her chest. According to Sylvia, the woman and a man were fighting in front of the house and then the woman ended up being shot on the porch. The woman was in the hospital but didn't die. The perpetrator was charged with felonious assault. That's all the information given. I couldn't find any news coverage of this either and I wondered why such a crime wasn't reported?

I was introduced to Officer Ed , who I was assigned to ride with. So we made our introductory greetings and stepped out on the street. As we walked outside, I ran into someone I knew and proudly stated I was going on a ride-a-long. I said "maybe we'll get to go on a DV." Another officer walking by overheard and said "DV....That's everyday." Officer Ed warned me that today would likely be busy.  He said after there have been days of bad weather and then there's a nice day, typically, those are busy days.

It didn't start out busy though so I probed Officer Ed about his perspective about domestic violence. We definately had two very different perspectives on domestic violence. He didn't feel a slap, which someone can be arrested for, was equivalent to going up to a neighbor and assaulting them. I responded that there was probably several things that led up to that slap, days of being emotionally terrorized and that should be considered as well. He agreed, but feels that the domestic violence law is "misguiding" and he doesn't believe a victim's statement is probable cause for making an arrest.

I realized that law enforcement officers have a tough job. They are limited in their abilities to stop interpersonal violence. After the fact, they take a victim's impact statement and can make an arrest, but they are not there for "long-term problem solving," like Officer Ed said. The police may have responded countless times to that 21-year old female and man fighting before the GSW but it didn't matter the day she was shot. Or, no one ever called the police and we'll never know if APD's presence would have detered felonious assault from happening.

Movie's Message is one of Hope or a False Sense of Security?

This weekend, I saw the movie "Like Dandelion Dust," a movie  about Wendy, played by Mira Sorvino, and her ex-felon husband, Barry Pepper, trying to get back their son she gave up for adoption. Wendy does so while her husband Rip was serving prison time for committing domestic violence against her. Naturally, in true Hollywood-story form, he comes out a changed man determined to have the family he always wanted. Because of a glitch, the state of Ohio begins transitioning their son, Joey, from his adoptive parents back to them. Unfortunately, things don't work out the way Rip had planned. Joey has great, wealthy adoptive parents who love him and who he loves. It’s also apparent Rip has no parenting skills.

What I want to focus on is Wendy. Waiting for Rip after his last prison wake-up, she is the classic battered woman. When he's first released and sober, Wendy believes he is a changed man. He takes her out dancing, finds a job, paints Joey's room and toasts the finished room with grape juice.

But I see it as the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse. Wendy has hope. She forgets that seven years prior came a build-up of tension then explosion: Rip losing his cool and using her face as a punching bag. 

This is a common scenario for many battered women. Alcohol or drugs are often involved when an explosion happens. They think if you remove the alcohol and drugs, the violence will stop. The only problem with that is the tendency to control another with violence exists without the drugs and alcohol. Of all the times I've enjoyed an adult beverage or two or more, I've never once put my hands on anyone. In fact, I know several people who don't assault their loved ones when they drink, nor when they're sober. I also know of plenty of sober people abusing other people.

What I appreciate about the script is when Rip can't cope with the fact he's not ready to be a father and hits Wendy again or grabs Joey's arm because Joey won't "obey" him, he's not intoxicated. Not that I'm happy he hit Wendy or hurt Joey, but this scene demonstrates that abusive behavior is born out of one's lack of coping skills rather than alcohol.

What I don't like is Wendy, with her bruised face, thinks this won't happen again and Rip's good heart will prevail with some pastoral counseling. It's the honeymoon again. Hopefully, it will be the last time, but is living on hope safe? DV advocates warn their clients about hope because it gives DV victims a false sense of security. Some think people deserve a second chance. We love a comeback but DV victims often don’t realize that a second chance may be lethal.

The movie ends with the audience thinking Rip will indeed change…even more... and be the father he wants to be. Do you think this is safe?



Check out the trailer for "Like Dandelion Dust" in theaters now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SI6lftXrI0

The message

“Stop listening to the message. I want to see you do something cognitive...” is what Dr. Alfred Grzegorek, a psychologist  with Clinical and Consulting Psychological Services, said at a presentation on childhood trauma. As I considered what to write in my nascent blog about domestic, dating, family and sexual violence, i.e. interpersonal violence, it became clear that childhood and his statement is where to start.

Why? Because violence is a learned behavior and childhood is where most people learn violence is an acceptable way to handle interpersonal conflict. According to several sources, including the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), children witnessing violence in the home are at the greatest risk of themselves being abusive as adults. Violent images on television, movies and video games don't help, which will be a topic for the future. But these images are everywhere and not everyone is violent. The people who have the most influence on children is parents or care takers. This violence isn't limited to physical violence. What can do the most damage to a child is hearing “you're worthless,” “CSB is going to come take you if you don't behave” and “I should have aborted you.” or watching two people, who claim to love eachother engage in verbal and violent altercations. This is the message.

So what message do we want the future of our country to have? When I'm educating people who have lived in violent homes about effects of domestic violence on children, no one ever says to me that they want their child to yell, demean and assault other people. Yet, those same people often feel powerless to change their situation for their children. The reason, as Dr. G explained, is that only 17 percent of our thoughts are dictated by logic. The rest is emotionally driven. So if you have been told repeatedly that its okay to hit someone if you don't like what they had to say or its okay to degrade someone you love, then you're mind is mapped in such a way that the message is I am worthless, CSB should take me and I should have been aborted. That's normal. Logic tries to tell you otherwise as a child and then as an adult, but emotion wins over logic 83 percent of the time. The message ultimately is no one cares about me so why should I care about myself, let alone someone else.

Well, I care and I hope to stop that message and do something cognitive. I hope to "lasso the truth" with this blog.  

Watch "Children See. Children Do," a PSA produced by the National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d4gmdl3zNQ