Monday, October 25, 2010

The face of battering

I think Bill Murray is friggin hilarious. I love his dead pan humor. Caddyshack, SNL, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Rushmore, Lost in Translation....classics.

But did you know that his now ex-wife, Jennifer Murray, alleged that he abused her. In 2008, according to the Post and Courier, out of Charleston, S.C, he was doing all kinds of nasty things to his wife, like physically abusing her, cheating on her and threatening to kill her. However, it made little a wave in the media. In fact, I didn't hear about it until a year ago.

Unlike something public like Chris Brown pounding Rihanna's face and the subsequent photos that were released after the incident, there is really no proof other than police reports. The prosecutor did not file charges. Other than paying for it in a divorce, Murray wasn't held accountable in the court of law and likely did not accept personal accountability either.


But domestic violence isn't black and white. Batterers come in all forms, even celebrities. They are rich, poor, male, female, handsome, pretty, even funny. Even I, who know the signs of an abuser well, can't usually pick a batterer out of crowd....and believe me. I try.

Recently, on an episode of Dr. Phil, his topic was teen girls having sex with multiple over-age men they met on-line. In a quasi-therapy session on-stage, Dr. Phil looked one girl in the eye and said something like, "These men don't love you. This isn't love. These men are sick."

In some respects, Dr. Phil is right. It wasn't love and anyone who chooses to have sex with a 12 year-old girl clearly has some issues. But sick? Did anyone ever think Bill Murray or Chris Brown was sick? Do people think they are sick now?

This is a dangerous notion, to think that batterers and pedophiles are visibly sick. Many are emotionally deficient and have sociopath tendencies, concerned about what image they have in public. But if they were "sick," they probably wouldn't have much self-control in public. They could be a co-worker, furnace repair man, teacher, the person ringing up your groceries, the pizza delivery person or even funny-man Bill Murray. You could know someone for years and never realize what dark secret they may be hiding in their home life. Thinking batterers and pedophiles are sick helps us sleep better at night but it doesn't necessarily make anyone safe.

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