Your experience with domestic violence....

Have you seen this or experienced it yourself

Have you ever felt like you were walking on eggshells; that nothing you did was right or fear your partner in any way?

It's about time to hear from you. What's your experience with domestic violence? Did you witness it as a kid, were abused yourself as a child or in adult relationships?

If you haven't, what about a friend or family member? What was it like knowing this was happening to a loved one? How did you handle it.

Let's get the discussion going.

The face of battering

I think Bill Murray is friggin hilarious. I love his dead pan humor. Caddyshack, SNL, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, Rushmore, Lost in Translation....classics.

But did you know that his now ex-wife, Jennifer Murray, alleged that he abused her. In 2008, according to the Post and Courier, out of Charleston, S.C, he was doing all kinds of nasty things to his wife, like physically abusing her, cheating on her and threatening to kill her. However, it made little a wave in the media. In fact, I didn't hear about it until a year ago.

Unlike something public like Chris Brown pounding Rihanna's face and the subsequent photos that were released after the incident, there is really no proof other than police reports. The prosecutor did not file charges. Other than paying for it in a divorce, Murray wasn't held accountable in the court of law and likely did not accept personal accountability either.

But domestic violence isn't black and white. Batterers come in all forms, even celebrities. They are rich, poor, male, female, handsome, pretty, even funny. Even I, who know the signs of an abuser well, can't usually pick a batterer out of crowd....and believe me. I try.

Recently, on an episode of Dr. Phil, his topic was teen girls having sex with multiple over-age men they met on-line. In a quasi-therapy session on-stage, Dr. Phil looked one girl in the eye and said something like, "These men don't love you. This isn't love. These men are sick."

In some respects, Dr. Phil is right. It wasn't love and anyone who chooses to have sex with a 12 year-old girl clearly has some issues. But sick? Did anyone ever think Bill Murray or Chris Brown was sick? Do people think they are sick now?

This is a dangerous notion, to think that batterers and pedophiles are visibly sick. Many are emotionally deficient and have sociopath tendencies, concerned about what image they have in public. But if they were "sick," they probably wouldn't have much self-control in public. They could be a co-worker, furnace repair man, teacher, the person ringing up your groceries, the pizza delivery person or even funny-man Bill Murray. You could know someone for years and never realize what dark secret they may be hiding in their home life. Thinking batterers and pedophiles are sick helps us sleep better at night but it doesn't necessarily make anyone safe.

Police Ride Along: Part Three

After the high-speed going-in-circles, we were called to assist with a possible drug bust on N. Portage Path. The K-9 unit was involved. How exiting! I text one of my law & order obsessed friends that I was on a drug bust. But, trying to gain my equilibrium, I remained in the car and observed. Three boys, probably about 17, 18 were searched. Nothing was found on the first two and then they stood and watched their buddy get busted with drug paraphernalia. The boys were laughing as their buddy was cuffed and duck into a cruiser. The buddy was wearing a t-shirt with a huge pot leaf on it.

Hmmm....I wonder what gave his guilt away?

Then we went to a man's house who wanted to report a stolen bike. Officer Ed said "Are you gonna get out of the car?" I was feeling better so I did.
As we approached the house on Merriman, a turn of the century Victorian, Officer Ed surveyed the bushes and area around the house. He explained it's always good to be aware of your surroundings. I concurred and said that's something I do all the time. He then surmised that women probably are more aware of their surroundings than men because woman are not as physically strong as men and our motherly instinct to protect children. I agreed. I'm like the Terminator gathering information about the environment and processing it when I walk alone anywhere in town.
After that we made a couple of insignificant stops. Officer Ed told me about the scariest moment he ever had, where he was investigating a possible car theft in progress on Exchange St. He was creeping past a non-lit porch and hears "Stop mother fucker or I'm going to shoot!" So Officer Ed quickly took cover behind a tree and aimed his gun at a silhouette on the porch. He said he was ready to shoot and if you aren't prepared to fire your gun, being a police officer is not the job for you. As it turned out, the silhouette was a visually impaired Vietnam vet tired of robberies in the neighborhood who was armed with a bee bee gun. Thank god no one fired a shot.

Officer Ed said he has never fired his gun and 99 percent of the time, police don't use the force they are legally given to them and they risk their lives day in and day out. He said then, as he had said earlier, that he is an officer of peace. I liked hearing that. Violence is violence, no matter who is legally given the power to use it.

Then, finally....a DV call off of Copley Road, mother/daughter argument. We arrived and parked on side street adjacent from the house. Officer Ed said it was because you never know if someone's up on a second floor window with a gun aimed at you. Another officer was already there and had parked a couple houses down. We approached the house and a woman stepped out. Officer Ed asked her what was going on. She said "she left," meaning the daughter. The woman said she and the daughter's mother were getting ready to leave and the daughter started popping off at the mouth, being disrespectful. When mom called the police, the daughter took off and wasn't there.

And that was about it. We got back in the cruiser. In my line of work, this is common. A punch is thrown or beating is handed down and "abuser," i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter take off when the police are called by the victim. If someone else calls, neighbor, family or friend, they don't always know the police have been called and are there when the police arrive.

Then we approached the day's climax: a call came in from a detective needing back up to deal with four suspicious gang bangers near Manchester and Thornton, one of the worst corners in Akron. Officer Ed said there's a lot of "drug slinging" there.

When we arrived, Officer Ed began to turn into a side street but then said "shit, he's getting away." He stopped and threw it into reverse. I didn't see who was getting away. Instantaneously, a man driving a Chevy Malibu was driving right at us as we backed up and driving fast. I felt my blood pressure pound. I didn't know who this guy was coming straight at us. We backed up to our right. The Malibu whipped to our left. Officer Ed then parked and jumped out of his cruiser to meet now only three boys, again probably anywhere from 15-20, wearing gang black. Another officer was there too.

They searched all the boys and found nothing. I sat in the cruiser with the windows barely cracked. My instincts told me that armed thugs were in the facility and I wasn't about to get shot on a police ride-along.

Then the man driving the Malibu, dressed in a slick suit, approached the boys. He looked like a preacher and then preached to the boys like a preacher. I thought what a great thing for this man to be helping the police and be talking some sense into these boys. Since nothing was found and they seemed to know nothing about their fourth buddy running, the police opted not to go on a foot chase after a kid that new the area much better than they did. They let the boys go.

When Officer Ed got back into the car, I asked him who that man was. He said it was the detective. I laughed and told him that he scared the shit out of me when he came driving straight at us. Officer Ed chuckled and said he should've told me that.

After this stop, it was starting to get dark and I had enough. Officer Ed dropped me off at the High Street parking deck.

To say I had a new respect for what police officers do is an understatement. Sometimes, us who work in the field of domestic violence tend to view police as our antagonist. Why didn't they make an arrest? How did they let that abuser go? Well, it's because they don't get the whole story. All they usually get is the very tippy- top of the iceberg poking out of the water and its hard to seek justice when the rawness of the moment leaves and reality filters what happened.  I actually felt as though my job working with domestic violence victims and keeping them safe is much like one of a police officer. I respond to crisis and I too am an officer of peace.

What stuck out the most was a majority of the calls we responded to involved kids, kids of all ages, and they were the suspects. I don't know what kind of environment these kids grew up in but I know that somewhere, they learned fighting, laughing at getting arrested for drug paraphernalia, popping off at the mouth and sporting gang colors were ways to act. I wonder where?    

Police Ride Along: Part Two

This is where things got interesting.

Officer Ed and I finished our conversation about DV talking about how it affects kids. I pointed out that the reason I do the work I do is because of kids. They see violence occuring in the home and that's what they learn. They are future criminals in the making and it creates more work for him. They have little empathy and don't care what they do to others. I also informed him that one characteristic of an abusive relationship is the abuser will intentionally get the woman pregnant to keep her in her place. So, there are many children exposed to violence. He said he didn't know that. He then said that kids need to have consequences and parents should not be a kid's friend. I agreed with him. That's about the time he saw on his constantly updated crime computer mounted in my elbow space that assistance was needed with an elderly man at Sand Run Park . The man thought snakes were in his truck. That Dodge Ram truck, by the way, was pimped out with purple, lime green and pink paint and decals. Officer Ed was impressed. After examining the man, the paramedics convinced him to go to the Psychiatric Emergency Services unit, better known as PES. The man left with no incident. No snakes on truck.

By that time, I was feeling sick due to a pinched nerve in my neck. Cocking my head to my left, trying to make eye contact with Officer Ed as he and I rapped about DV aggravated the nerve and made me nauseous. But, with great power comes great responsibility is what I told myself and I kept it moving....which was to Starbucks. Officer Ed said he was "dying" because he had worked a side job earlier that morning and needed caffeine.

A hundred feet away from the Starbucks parking lot on Sand Run Drive, Officer Ed chimed in about a fight between two females that broke out at the Dairy Mart on Market and Merrimen. Three males were there also. He flipped the siren switch on, blew past Starbucks and sailed east bound on Market. It was a rush to be on the other side of the siren and cruise past traffic on pause. Officer Ed said fights are typical after school, especially when its early in the school year. Fights are always breaking out and these girls are probably fighting over a guy. When we arrived, there was no sign of any fight between two girls. While Officer Ed went inside to make sure all was well and I tried to stabilize my neck in the cruiser, another cruiser and paddy wagon arrived. Simutaneously, another call requesting back up for a fight on S. Hawkins  sounded on the car radio. Officer Ed was back in the cruiser within seconds and said with urgency we needed to head to S. Hawkins. This time, we followed the other cruiser and paddy wagon, with the French siren sound because, as Officer Ed explained, its good to differentiate the siren sound so someone doesn't think the cavalry is over, pull out and get T-boned. We also drove much faster because Officer Ed said the officer who requested back up had a certain inflection in his voice that indicated he needed help. I thought I was going to ralph going about 60 mph on a brick road.

However, when we got to the S. Hawkins round-about, the fight was broken up. Trying not to vomit, I remained in the car as Officer Ed talked to the responding officer and two other officers about what happened. Four sixth graders were beating up on a lone sixth grader. The responding officer seemed dismayed over what the 4 boys were doing to this other boy. I saw him show the other officers that the boys only came up to his chest. No arrests were made and the kids were gone.

It made me wonder what consequences these kids suffered, if any, once they got home. I wondered how they learned that bullying another boy was acceptable. I wondered when did middle school bullies start taking their power trips off the playground in exchange for a public beating at a very busy intersection?

The Police Ride Along: Part One

This past Thursday was a beautiful day and I got to enjoy it sitting in the front seat of an APD cruiser during a civilian ride along. A lot happened in those 6 1/2 hours and I've had to wrap my brain around a lot of information.

Part One of Three.

12pm, Roll call: Officer Sylvia listed all the criminal activity currently going on in the city: burglaries, stolen GPS, gang bangers on the loose. But what caught my attention was the 21-year old white female with a gun shot wound to her chest. According to Sylvia, the woman and a man were fighting in front of the house and then the woman ended up being shot on the porch. The woman was in the hospital but didn't die. The perpetrator was charged with felonious assault. That's all the information given. I couldn't find any news coverage of this either and I wondered why such a crime wasn't reported?

I was introduced to Officer Ed , who I was assigned to ride with. So we made our introductory greetings and stepped out on the street. As we walked outside, I ran into someone I knew and proudly stated I was going on a ride-a-long. I said "maybe we'll get to go on a DV." Another officer walking by overheard and said "DV....That's everyday." Officer Ed warned me that today would likely be busy.  He said after there have been days of bad weather and then there's a nice day, typically, those are busy days.

It didn't start out busy though so I probed Officer Ed about his perspective about domestic violence. We definately had two very different perspectives on domestic violence. He didn't feel a slap, which someone can be arrested for, was equivalent to going up to a neighbor and assaulting them. I responded that there was probably several things that led up to that slap, days of being emotionally terrorized and that should be considered as well. He agreed, but feels that the domestic violence law is "misguiding" and he doesn't believe a victim's statement is probable cause for making an arrest.

I realized that law enforcement officers have a tough job. They are limited in their abilities to stop interpersonal violence. After the fact, they take a victim's impact statement and can make an arrest, but they are not there for "long-term problem solving," like Officer Ed said. The police may have responded countless times to that 21-year old female and man fighting before the GSW but it didn't matter the day she was shot. Or, no one ever called the police and we'll never know if APD's presence would have detered felonious assault from happening.

Movie's Message is one of Hope or a False Sense of Security?

This weekend, I saw the movie "Like Dandelion Dust," a movie  about Wendy, played by Mira Sorvino, and her ex-felon husband, Barry Pepper, trying to get back their son she gave up for adoption. Wendy does so while her husband Rip was serving prison time for committing domestic violence against her. Naturally, in true Hollywood-story form, he comes out a changed man determined to have the family he always wanted. Because of a glitch, the state of Ohio begins transitioning their son, Joey, from his adoptive parents back to them. Unfortunately, things don't work out the way Rip had planned. Joey has great, wealthy adoptive parents who love him and who he loves. It’s also apparent Rip has no parenting skills.

What I want to focus on is Wendy. Waiting for Rip after his last prison wake-up, she is the classic battered woman. When he's first released and sober, Wendy believes he is a changed man. He takes her out dancing, finds a job, paints Joey's room and toasts the finished room with grape juice.

But I see it as the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse. Wendy has hope. She forgets that seven years prior came a build-up of tension then explosion: Rip losing his cool and using her face as a punching bag. 

This is a common scenario for many battered women. Alcohol or drugs are often involved when an explosion happens. They think if you remove the alcohol and drugs, the violence will stop. The only problem with that is the tendency to control another with violence exists without the drugs and alcohol. Of all the times I've enjoyed an adult beverage or two or more, I've never once put my hands on anyone. In fact, I know several people who don't assault their loved ones when they drink, nor when they're sober. I also know of plenty of sober people abusing other people.

What I appreciate about the script is when Rip can't cope with the fact he's not ready to be a father and hits Wendy again or grabs Joey's arm because Joey won't "obey" him, he's not intoxicated. Not that I'm happy he hit Wendy or hurt Joey, but this scene demonstrates that abusive behavior is born out of one's lack of coping skills rather than alcohol.

What I don't like is Wendy, with her bruised face, thinks this won't happen again and Rip's good heart will prevail with some pastoral counseling. It's the honeymoon again. Hopefully, it will be the last time, but is living on hope safe? DV advocates warn their clients about hope because it gives DV victims a false sense of security. Some think people deserve a second chance. We love a comeback but DV victims often don’t realize that a second chance may be lethal.

The movie ends with the audience thinking Rip will indeed change…even more... and be the father he wants to be. Do you think this is safe?



Check out the trailer for "Like Dandelion Dust" in theaters now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SI6lftXrI0

The message

“Stop listening to the message. I want to see you do something cognitive...” is what Dr. Alfred Grzegorek, a psychologist  with Clinical and Consulting Psychological Services, said at a presentation on childhood trauma. As I considered what to write in my nascent blog about domestic, dating, family and sexual violence, i.e. interpersonal violence, it became clear that childhood and his statement is where to start.

Why? Because violence is a learned behavior and childhood is where most people learn violence is an acceptable way to handle interpersonal conflict. According to several sources, including the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), children witnessing violence in the home are at the greatest risk of themselves being abusive as adults. Violent images on television, movies and video games don't help, which will be a topic for the future. But these images are everywhere and not everyone is violent. The people who have the most influence on children is parents or care takers. This violence isn't limited to physical violence. What can do the most damage to a child is hearing “you're worthless,” “CSB is going to come take you if you don't behave” and “I should have aborted you.” or watching two people, who claim to love eachother engage in verbal and violent altercations. This is the message.

So what message do we want the future of our country to have? When I'm educating people who have lived in violent homes about effects of domestic violence on children, no one ever says to me that they want their child to yell, demean and assault other people. Yet, those same people often feel powerless to change their situation for their children. The reason, as Dr. G explained, is that only 17 percent of our thoughts are dictated by logic. The rest is emotionally driven. So if you have been told repeatedly that its okay to hit someone if you don't like what they had to say or its okay to degrade someone you love, then you're mind is mapped in such a way that the message is I am worthless, CSB should take me and I should have been aborted. That's normal. Logic tries to tell you otherwise as a child and then as an adult, but emotion wins over logic 83 percent of the time. The message ultimately is no one cares about me so why should I care about myself, let alone someone else.

Well, I care and I hope to stop that message and do something cognitive. I hope to "lasso the truth" with this blog.  

Watch "Children See. Children Do," a PSA produced by the National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d4gmdl3zNQ