The Holidays

Imagine it's Thanksgiving. Christmas is right around the corner. You have 3 kids, two girls and a boy. The girls are ages 15 and 6. The boy is 12. You have been married for 5 years to their father, but with him for 16 years. You got pregnant with your 15 year old when you were 16, had her when you were 17 and then got married shortly after. Because the responsibility of raising a daughter and being a wife was too stressful, you dropped out of school. Other than some odds and ends and some temp work, you have little work history on top of no GED. Any time you've ever tried to get your GED and/or work, he sabotaged it. He wouldn't watch the kids, was too drunk to watch the kids, he had a crisis and you had to drop everything to tend to his needs. And there was the time he got drunk and broke your nose and gave you a black eye. So you were too ashamed to go to GED classes or work. Plus, he told you that you weren't the sharpest knife in the drawer on several occasions and you were assured you didn't need to work because he brought home the bread.  

Now, you're 33. What's the point of trying to work or get your GED. Something always happens and you can't do it anyway, even if you were smart enough. You realize your marriage at this point is loveless. You often sleep on the couch. The only time you don't is when you're pestered by him to have sex. If you don't have sex with him, it's a fight and you're just so tired of fighting. You lay awake most nights thinking about how hopeless things are and how you should have never married him but again, he guilted you into it. "If you loved me, you'd marry me," he would say. Plus, you hoped things would get better. After a huge fight, things were better. You would do things as a family. He wouldn't drink much. He would clean the house, make dinner. It wasn't always bad. But things didn't get better. Those periods of relative calm slowly got smaller and smaller. Now, you are walking on egg shells constantly. You've tried to be overly nurturing, avoid him and even just pick a fight with him to get it over with, but each approach has its consequences. Now you just go numb.

You can't leave because you have nowhere to go. Your only friend is your neighbor. You can't go there. You haven't talked to your family in 4 years because they wanted you to leave but didn't have financial means to help you. They didn't want you living with them because they know how your husband could be and didn't want that drama at their home. You have no money. He controls the money. You can't get a job in this economy with no GED or work history. No job, no place to live. Your car is in his name and he has threatened to take the car from you the few times leaving has been a topic of discussion. Your stuck.

Your kids have suffered. Your 15 year old daughter acts just like your husband and has started treating you badly. She's having problems in school and is dating a guy who's 21 and you're not sure about. Your 12 year old son is mamma's boy and very quiet. He often gets picked on at school. Your six-year old daughter is a sweetheart but has started asking questions about why daddy is so mean and tells you she doesn't like daddy.

And now the holidays are approaching. You are expected to cook a feast for the family on Thanksgiving. Even though its stressful and you have little help, you have looked forward to the holidays because this is the time of year when your husband actually is the man you fell in love with. However, you've begun to realize its more of an act for his mom and step dad, who are great people. He doesn't want them to know what a controlling jerk he is.

Two days before Thanksgiving, you and your husband get into another argument about your 15 year old and it ended with your neighbor calling the police after hearing screaming and a loud thud. He wasn't arrested  because he knew what to say to the police and there were no marks from him slamming you up against a wall. You were too afraid to say anything because he threatened to kill you if you did.

The next day, your neighbor then tells you about a domestic violence shelter. You know you want out, but it's the holidays. You don't want to put your kids through that. You don't know what to expect. You have seen homeless shelters on TV and it terrifies you to think you and your kids would have to spend the holidays with strangers sleeping on cots. You know your husband won't buy any Christmas gifts for the kids. His family will look down upon you and you don't want to do that because they're the only family you have. How would you feed your kids, get them to school and take care of what you need to without a car? You would have to leave everything.

So if this were your situation, what would you do? If things were reversed and you're a male, how would you handle the situation?

What Would You Do: Abusive Boyfriend

In a recent episode of Primetime: What Would You Do?, the producers hired a teen boy and girl and had them pose as a couple arguing in a park to see how many people intervened. Several did, but many walked by. It may be a surprise that women intervened more than men and were not going to allow the teen boy to treat the girl like he was.

So what would you do? Would you intervene? If it was a female abusing a male, would you intervene in the same way or not? What could be the consequences of intervening, for yourself and the victim?

Why's it always gotta be a black and white thing?

No....I'm not talking so much about the color of your skin. What I'm talking about is politics. Right now, Republicans and Democrats are engaged in this battle where both sides seem to feel like they're right, the other side is wrong and there will be no middle ground met. The rules of engagement are that it's black versus white, no gray in the middle and you must win at all cost. What happens is our civil servants are locked in gridlock and they resort to childish, mean and even abusive tactics to push they're agenda.

What does this has to do with abuse and violence towards another person? Everything. It's like the grown ups are fighting in front of their kids. So what do the kids learn? They learn its okay to behave like a bafoon and win at all costs. They learn that it doesn't matter what their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, ex has to say because 'I'm right. You're wrong. I don't care about you and you're a complete idiot.'

You can agree or disagree with President Obama....wait. You can like him or hate him and his political views, but he's trying real hard not to engage in muddslinging, be accountable and listen to both sides. But in this political climate, that's not effective and he will likely be replaced in two years.

I would rather see both sides work together to resolve issues and not play the blame game. I'd like to see the rest of us do more of that. If you want to change your abusive ways, you have to view conflict as something where both sides can learn something from the other and that, here's a novel idea, you don't know everything and you're not always right. You also have to not view every conflict as combat. If we did a little more listening and saw the similarities in others rather than our differences, maybe resolution and progress would be achievable.

For now, let's boil everything down to a WWE Smack Down where victory is only gaged by winning and our own dominance over another. Let's see how much hate we can spread and war we can wage.

Tina Croucher




At Copley High School on November 4, Elsa and Jim Croucher spoke to a crowd of about 100 teachers, victim advocates and high school students about their daughter Tina Croucher and how she was murdered by her boyfriend in 1992. Tina was only 18.

Seventeen years later, her parents, behind The Tina Project, were able to get House Bill 19 or the Tina Croucher Act passed in the state of Ohio. It requires education be provided in all schools about dating violence.

On that Thursday afternoon, Elsa and Jim talked about a daughter who was determined, smart and resourceful. Tina was around 18 months old and no matter what her parents did, they could not keep Tina in a crib. Elsa said that when Tina was a teen, if she wanted a new outfit, she would sell clothing she could do without to fund her new outfit. Elsa and Jim both regarded Tina as a strong-minded girl.

Things changed though when she met a handsome boy that went to another school and started dating him. This strong-minded girl found herself being told who and when she could see people and being physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. After a violent episode at school where he threw Tina across the hall, Tina broke up with him. Elsa and Jim were adamant about Tina not seeing him and told Tina he was not to come to their home. Tina had a protection order and Jim and Elsa took measures to help their daughter stay safe, but that didn't stop him. Elsa said she would meet Tina after work so she wasn't alone. One night, Tina was closing at work and had to make a deposit. Elsa waited for her while Tina did this. When Tina seemed to be gone too long, Elsa's gut told her she should check things out. When she arrived, Tina's ex-boyfriend was laying on top of Tina's car.

Tina stayed away from him through high school....until he showed up at a gas station where Tina was pumping gas and told Tina how he had changed, was in counseling. Tina was in college and took him back. But this didn't last for long and she broke up with him again. He started stalking her again.



Terri Heckman, Exectuive Director of the Battered Women's
Shelter with Elsa and Jim Croucher, parent's of Tina Croucher



Then four days before Christmas, Elsa was at work and started calling home to check on Tina. The phone was busy after several attempts. So Elsa called her neighbor and asked her to check on Tina. Elsa didn't hear back from the neighbor. Elsa had a bad feeling and left work. When she pulled onto their street, police, ambulances and TV channel staff were in front of her house and they were rolling out a dead body. Tina's ex-boyfriend had come into the house, shot Tina in the head and then killed himself.

I'm sure Tina, in her worse nightmare, never thought when she met this handsome football player, things would end up this way. No woman, or man for that matter does.

With four students from Mentor High School killing themselves because they couldn't stand the taunting from bullies, now people are talking about something that really, has been going on since the beginning of time. Now, it's more prevalent on the playground. But bullying is not a new phenomenon. Bullying is a means to have power and control and the desire to have power and control is why countries declare war on other countries. It's human nature.

I had braces, a perm and was anorexic skinny (not because I was anorexic) and was a target of bullies during sixth and seventh grade on the bus. It sucked! Thankfully, I was pretty good at handling it and it subsided pretty quickly. But while I was in that moment in time, it felt like there was no way out. On the bus, there was no way out. I hated going to school and missed 21 days of school in sixth grade. I wish someone would have intervened and told these kids how hateful they were. But it didn't happen then and it rarely happens now.

One of my co-workers went to Mentor High School and she said that anyone who spoke out against this behavior would then be a target of bullies. She said she was one of those people. "It was bad," she said.

Ohio House Bill 276 mandates that school personnel report bullying to the school principal. Since 2007 when this law was enacted, only 4 incidents have been reported in the State of Ohio, according to Jim Croucher with the Tina Project. Croucher said we have a long way to go. I concur.

So what do you all think about bullying? What should schools do? What should parents do? Why do bullies bully? How should targets of bullies handle the destructive and degrading taunting?

It's not heavy....if its about love

I know this is a heavy topic: domestic and dating violence, abuse, child abuse. I also realize that you can find yourself in some bad head space if you're thinking or talking about it all the time. But it is something that touches us all at some point in time. If you haven't experienced abuse yourself, there's no doubt you have come across a family member, friend, co-worker, class mate, etc. who has experienced some form of abuse. And it doesn't have to be physical. If you get punched in the face, it will hurt for awhile but a year later after you've healed, you'll forget what that sensation felt like. Emotional pain sometimes never goes away. Oddly enough, a person who caused me a lot of emotional pain said to me that those who hurt, hurt others. I know now how true that is.

My point is that the discussion doesn't need to be so much about physical violence. That is the face of domestic, dating violence and abuse. But the heart and soul of interpersonal violence lies in the emotional baggage people carry, the open wounds in their hearts and souls. It's a necessary fertilizer to grow hatred and disregard for other people.

What I hope to do is get the discussion going about abuse, force people to look inside themselves and stop playing lip service to treating others with respect and love and actually do it. I would like to see people promote emotional intelligence and spread some love rather than emotionally bitch slap people.

My experience with abuse

I asked from any readers feedback about their experience with domestic violence or dating violence. But maybe its time to share mine.

My dad was an alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother. I never saw him put his hands on my mother, but as an adult, my mother has eluded to him physically hurting her. I always thought if he just wouldn't drink, he might be an okay dad. When he was sober, he wasn't too bad. He taught me how to pitch, shoot a basketball, throw a tight spiral and compete with any neighborhood boy. But when he was drunk, he was emotionally tormented and took it out on me and my family. I always wished my parents would divorce.

My mom stayed married to him for 21 years until when I was 17, she divorced him. What was the beginning of the end was a few months prior to her separating from him, my mother told him she wanted to leave him. The next day was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." My sister and I went with my mom. The entire morning, my dad called her over and over again. By about 10 am, we had to leave. When we got home, my dad was a mess. He threatened to kill himself. I took all his Busch Beer and poured it out.

My mom was pretty good about shielding my sister and I from him. She made us go over to my grandparents who lived next door while she dealt with him. I feared what was happening to him. Then, I just went numb. In fact, going numb and disconnecting emotionally has been a hard habit to break for me. Luckily, I have always landed on my feet whenever I've stumbled in live. Love, support and counseling has helped.

My sister though has not faired so well. She started using drugs around 14 and hasn't really stopped since. She's been in and out of the corrections system and drug rehab programs. Her relationships with both of my parents are tense. Her relationships in general are also marked with abuse. I can't help but think the domestic violence is partly responsible for her struggles with drugs and life.

The point is, abuse effects kids. Some people end up turning to drugs. I was an honor's role student and over achiever in school, but it still effected me in my relationships. I then found myself living with someone who was controlling and tore me down on a daily basis because I said something the wrong way, didn't put my shoes away or misplaced the remote control.

Why does Kourtney Kardashian stay with Scott Disick?

Does anyone else think that Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy, is totally unworthy of Kourtney? She is probably the smartest, business savvy Kardashian yet she stays with a man who acts like a 12-year old spoiled brat. I don't watch Keeping Up With The Kardashian's much, but when I do, Scott reminds me of that sterotypical antagonist from an 80s movie: the rich, white boy with slicked back hair, preppy clothes, a sense of entitlement and nice cars. Kourtney is like the Molly Ringwald character or something.

On an episode of Kourtney and Khloe take Miami, Scott wigged out on Kourtney and injured his hand punching a mirror. Of course afterwards, Scott took little responsibility. I believe it was Kim who told Kourtney that Kourtney thinks the family doesn't want her to be with Scott because they don't like him but its because of the way he treats Kourtney. Yet, Kourtney's separation from him was temporary.

Some may say "how can such a beautiful, wealthy, intelligent woman be with such a deuche bag?" But not I. Kourtney is no different than other women. Most women go back to their abusers on average 6 to 7 times. Why? There are many reasons: fear, have no where to go, kids and love. Even Kourtney Kardashian wants the picket fence, family, handsome and successful husband (although I think he looks like a car salesman and that he totally rides Kourtney's coat tails) and the fantastical American Dream. No one sets out to begin a relationship without this goal in mind. And now, Kourtney has a son with Scott and like most mother's, they pave the road to hell with their good intentions to ensure their child(ren) has a father, even if that father teaches their child how to be abusive, hangs kids over mom's head to control her and does all kinds of unforseeable emotional damage to their children.

According to OK! though, Scott has "made changes." Kim recanted and even went as far as saying that she's seen Scott make a "transition." Hey, I won't argue that he has "made changes." But I'm willing to bet my music library, which is my most valuable possession, that this "transition" is really just the honeymoon phase and in future episodes, we will all see that's Scott's changes were not permanent. Kourtney and the family have put up with this much, why wouldn't they put up with more? After all, Scott was drunk.

I guess Kourtney staying can be discounted to the fact that she doesn't seem afraid of him. She has money and can leave when Scott acts like a baffoon, unlike many women who are in unhealthy, abusive and/or violent relationships. They're stuck. Kourtney has money to hire counselors. She also has a TV audience as a watchdog on Scott's behavior. If he truly has made a transition, I'm sure it helps when millions of viewers have unfavorable things to say about your behavior. Other women and men in abusive relationships don't have that luxury.

Scott is now dangling a new American Dream: New York. On last night's episode of Keeping up with the Kardashian's, Scott was selling Kourtney on the idea of moving to New York during a 4th of July vacation to NYC. The Disik/Kardashian brood visited with Scott's parents in the Hamptons and Kourtney saw how happy he was there. He was even actually a pretty relaxed fellow and being such a great dad holding up little Mason in the air and showing him love. I hope someone from Kodak was watching and captured this very special moment. Anyway, Scott envisions Kourtney running Dash, her store, and Scott will work in New Jersey. They will then come home to their picket fence and live happily ever after. Kourtney is smitten and eludes that moving to NY may be better for them as a family. Scott said something to the affect that the best birthday gift Kourtney could give him is them going to New York and being away from her family.
Kudos to Scott for painting such a beautiful picture, one of "we'll run away together and all we need is eachother, baby!" In the real world though, that is a great way to isolate someone from their family, their support system.  Sure, Kourtney or her family can get on a jet at anytime and travel across country, but it's still not the same as being in the same town. And Scott's drunken episode was in Miami, right? Plus, Scott has known all along there were cameras following his every move... yet he still acted like he could behave however he wanted.... but he's changed? Hmmm?

But, surely, a Kardashian, the epitomy of femme power and American success, isn't a victim of abuse.....she's just chasing that American Nightmare.